whoops.

pissed off people again today.
but what's interesting is how people break and snap.
there will be this breaking snapping point but the problem is that its invisible.
because its invisible you don't know where it is.
then you start advancing forward without knowing where to stop-before the breaking snapping point.
and thats the trouble.
when things break and smash, things change in an instance.
one moment you can be breaking other people, the next moment you are broken.
some people break and snap with more force than others, and thats the scary part.
i guess thats why the smartest of people stand far from breaking point, snapping line.
to play safe. but the safest is never one of the most fun.
so thats where the intelligent ones play but know when to break their speed in time before the breaking line.
oh wells...

kinda died for physics test today. 9 marks. plus 2 marks half done qn. plus 1 mark wrong answer.
brilliance.
its upon thirty.
if my maths doesn't fail me, that means i'd nearly have failed.
i probably would have i guess.
sighs...

i was just thinking about it last night-this very early morning.
my ambitions and tentative dreams for my future in all seriousness of actually surviving on that occupation to make a living~
be a creative and classy chef & architect & interior designer...
own a restaurant & designing studio for architecture and interior designing...
earn enough money to drive more than one nice and fast cars (certain specific ones in mind :P)...
play pretty soccer for leisure competitions...
and play beautiful music for leisure performances...
really ambitious i guess.
but for now, thats my dream, considering that i actually need to feed myself with food not satisfaction-well fine, some satisfaction won't hurt right?
but i guess its just ambitions and dreams for now.

going to be really busy.
and wasting a lot of free time.

violin exams are coming up in 2 months.
thats means a hectic term that can kill some nuts.
oh no... more practice during week days.
means that there goes my soccer.
i guess i should stop staying in school for 6 hours just to satisfy my curiosity for soccer and come home immediately after school.
that'll make a few more hours to do stuff. though i end up coming home and sleep and waste time as well.
so maybe it doesn't make that much diff. haha.

then there are 4 tests this coming week, and many more to come.
got past the 1st round of mpp.
so that means i'm gonna choke with re as well and technicalities in bill drafting.
may be its easier signing bills. or may be not. i take that back.
but either ways, more sat mornings will be filled with waking up early and going for re.
oh wells... i guess its better than not getting in and being opposition team.

apart from that, i'll be tied down with work for some time now...
sighs...

One cake. Fifteen candles (or maybe 1 big 5 smalls).

i've seen cakes on this earth for (now) 15 years of my life.
and year after year, the cakes get nicer, bigger, brighter, creamier, etc.
but as the number of candles increase, there is a trend.
maybe before you reach the stages of having a big candle, the cakes may get bigger and bigger to please you.
your idea of a day with cake, candles, and your name on the cake is one of happiness, joy, special treatments, etc.
but as you reach your twelve candles, you realise things don't always go like that.
and that is the way it is now, for me at least.

though we conventionally expect a lot from a festival/occasion, as the years go on, things do change.
we are said to have "grown up" and because of that, you get fewer presents (may be just money) and then you dont have huge big birthday parties anymore.
because you have grown up.
its the same for cny, for anything.
at least for me, these festive occasions grow less festive with the years
and i've grown to accept that.
it has to do with how much you expect, and if you don't expect too much, then the more satisfied you would be with what you have.

which is why, i'm not saddened or disappointed though i've done and had nothing this day, my birthday, but a cake.

One Day Before.

One day before.
One day before the day.
One day before the day i opened my eyes. to this world.
One day before my birthday. and counting. down.

just watch national geographic documentary on free masons.
its scary. the secrecy, the anonymity and all.
actually all religion is scary in its own ways.
there is a feel that there is some hidden practices in it that are really spooky.
i mean of course some are not as radical as others, but the unknown in religion is really really scary.
especially with conspiracy theories that all sorts of people cook up, it only creates a bigger cloud.
but the worrying part really is to do with death--when people die and they link it with religious groups. its scary.

but then when we think about it. whats so bad about death.
just die, die, die and then troubles will be over.
just bear with a few moments of pain and every thing will be over.
why fear it?
i don't know. but i still do.

and when i did my erp, i chose "a hanging" by george orwell.
i found my own writing very sick in e head.
these issues with death and death.
i don't know. its worrying.
i guess i fear death.

when i think about it, i feel sad and demoralised.

i mean what's the point of buying a close to 100 dollar pair of nice looking tennis shoes when my worth in tennis is less than a buck? what is the point in that? its pathetic looking at a nice pair of shoes down at your feet but some piece of crap up there at the racquet holding hand.

my parents have already said that i should give up tennis altogether. its just not my piece of cake. i've got zero natural talent at it and i don't even have a natural ability to just play a competitive game. the score always says it all. its pathetic. and my dad has also given me a thousand and one reasons why my game is so wrong, but those words are useless in changing my game. its still as pathetic as before. i feel lousy at it.

but i can't give up tennis right now. i've spent 2 yrs at it, at this sport, at this cca. while i'm useless at it, i've got the chance to be a ccal. do i intend to give that up? no, i don't think so. i'm not gonna spend 2 yrs at playing pathetic tennis, having only played one game for the school, only to give up my best chance at achieving something in my cca life at ri. this would not do.

but while i wish to see it as a cca, its more than that. i've got private training once a week, as with most other people. but each training eats away 70 bucks from my parents wallet. then there are the 2 racquets, each walloping slightly less than 250 bucks from my parent's savings. tennis shoes wear down like no body's business, say every 3 months, it should be changed. that takes away about 100 bucks each time i change my shoes? the figures just keep going up, with each passing week. that is the problem with this sport, with this cca. its not some cheap man's game. its costly. and what do i expect to do with it at the end of all this? throw it away.

after the season next year, i see tennis ending in my life. i'm useless at it, and its affecting my other life-time activity. 11 years i've spent at violin, i don't intend to give it up for tennis. in fact i've got a better chance at violin than i do at tennis. so after one more year, all that money, where does it go? down the drain. its wasteful, i know.

i don't know what to do. i like the tennis cca more than i like string ensemble. at least tennis cca has given me more life lessons than i can foresee in se. but its costly and wasteful. especially after 4 years of money spent on tennis stuffs, i don't intend to use it anymore. its not helped by the fact that i'm so pathetic at it. but what can i do? tennis is not my game.

not much happenings these few days except for the start of what some term as a "study camp" or essentially what m.o.e. calls school holidays except that our holidays are swarmed with these things we all call homework which essentially means that we spend much of our so called "holidays" doing work in which case i don't know why they give such a pretty, presentable name as "school holiday" when actually its some sort of a yeah, study camp. to simply put it.

had tennis tournament today. quite a messed up game. i actually played pretty decent in the second set, but my first set was just rubbish. but at the least, i'm learning and improving with each game. just that each game costs me 30 bucks (and prices are going up) so i don't know how long more i can keep this up. and got a new pair of tennis shoes today. quite funky looking. just that i can't bear to wear them or dirty them or spoil them. sighs...

apart from that, its been knowing that there is work to be done and it has to be done but not feeling like doing it.

a day of disappointment.

tennis finals today was just not our day.
right from the start, the line-up had to go haywire.
our best was suppose to fight their not so good, but god didn't turn things that way.
our sacrifice was suppose to play their best player, but god didn't put things that way.
hard luck.
then one of our top player had to have a stomach upset- left overs from bangladesh competitions.

but this must have been one of the hardest, fighting match i've seen so far.
really underdogged, but we fought hard. real hard.
yet, no miracles happened our way, no magic emerged.
this is why this day is disappointing and sad.
never had we had morning training at 6am, twice a week.
never had we trained so hard.
but we had to be left with no believes, no miracles, no magic, no upsets, no come from behind win.
worse still, we had to take home the hardest fought, but worst score in my memory. 5-0. just bad bad hard hard luck.
this day ends in sadness, in disappointment.
but we took it to our best. thats all we could possibly and could have done.

maths cct, came back in disaster as well.
really disappointing it had to turn out this way. been doing so so well, but now, i've got this.
and it was not that i didn't know. a single carelessness cost me 13 marks. that caused me my heart.
i guess i expected this. i knew i was on a roll only because my carelessness hasn't started rolling yet. bit i knew it would start some day, some test.
and it had to be this test.
i guess it really was just real disappointment at myself. but there was nothing more i could do.
this day, really really, held no promise. sad.

been a tiring past few days, finishing the imperfectly supposed perfect society and doing all the stuff, what yes and what not.

but tomorrow its up against the toughest opponents this season. acsi would take much much more to beat, to defeat, to win.
from the really honest point of view, its tough, difficult and almost impossible to retain the title. we're up against the odds, against possibly one of the strongest players in this category. in another words we do not have enough missiles to match theirs.
but from the really positive point of view, i think that slim chance is ours. i don't know why i say so, or even if i do, its not gonna be really convincing. i feel that we won't get it (the gold), but yet i feel otherwise.

i know its tough, i know its difficult. but c'mon, lets do this, lets do it, lets get it.
i'll not be playing, but outside the courts, i see and hope for a shinning, glittering golden trophy.

The black the white.
The easy the hard.

as many have realised, social studies project on utopian society is tough.
but what is tougher is not being given the space to expand your ideas, but the mere theory of a perfect society is difficult.
While there is a good, there is a bad.
The idea of perfection actually an idea of a more perfect than a lesser one.
It is not really actually totally perfect, but just a relative thing.
becuase when there is a black, there is a white.
it is only possible to achieve the best of both, not one.
so while we say this society is utopic, in reality, in practice, in theory even, it is not.
for every perfection, there is the imperfect.

tennis finals is here. violin exam is coming.
amid all this activity, there is hard work there are down times.
these times are often the sad, the frustrating and the irritating times.
Times that you'd have said then that you'd have done without.
Times that you didn't want
Times that you wish you never had.
Because times are hard and in life, hard things are not entertained.
but at the end of that road comes the satisfaction and in most reasonable brainful cases, we would do well.
because while travelling on the bumpy road, there comes a time we awake.
We realise that this is it and that is all we have. with that comes the realisation to do well, to work hard. and so, times normally end on a smooth road.
when that time comes, you feel all that is done is worth it.
all the times you hated then was actually good.
because it is those bad times that make the result good.
live on with it. learn from it. build on it.

typical, hopeless fruitless day - with a tinge of craziness.

BURGER was bongkess.
early in the morning, when everyone was still suffering from the after effects of dazing or dozing,
someone had to stand up throw the chair, kick the chair
then jonny was blamed for the noise by zx. as usual.
then burger had a song dedication during recess which told him to cheer up, which he didn't.
and his bongkessness continued...
took my nicely done, prepared history essay, which i took nice pride in, and threw it on the floor.
in the process, dirtying it, crumpling it and defacing my fresh paper.
and so he continued with his so bad day...

JONNY on the other hand was just nuts, stroking people's moustache.
7m is quite far. its from here to...oops! his moustache. nothing new.
that was God's (capital "g" requested) way of telling him to convert people, which he attempted to.
in the end, he ended up arguing with thom over whether hitler (of all people), the mad jewish slayer, went to heaven. which i left half way to heat pork meat, not jews.


JRL on the other hand had bright ideas.
a dedication to our fav t'er.
perhaps shuddup. which do u like? the one by black-eyed, pea brain? seems to suit heshe's character.
nah. the one from 3 times "k" would suit best. personally hand-made, thought out lyrics.
thats sincierity.

SHOIJ took great interest in such folk tales. peppered the otherwise boring and irristable day with some humour and laughter.
worse was to thoughtlessly open the window to hand someone something (that i could not resist to give another time or day) and get sent out of the window because of it.
Well...i came back after a while. but it spoilt my mood.
Conversing on christian conversions was quite interesting.
though i'm still not inclined to strap myself to such believes.
the more interesting one was whether moustachey hitler visited heaven or condemed to hell.
apparently he just disappeared off the face of earth as he didn't call on Jesus (capital "j" requested).
found out some had biblical concepts all wrong.
the all awaited, unresistable, highlight of the day was socerring.
and what joy it brought me--boredome. just as well i cancelled training. water came falling to earth (from heaven?).
Then came the rain and lightning and thunder.
had the biggest lightning shocks in my rememberable life.
struck just less than a kilometre away. and the deafening sound of thunder was ear-piercing, heart-scarying.
it became my natural instincts to cap my ears after that when i saw flashes and flashes and flashes.
lucky i'm alive.
the rest of the day is bloated with homework and more homework. so i'm here and thats it.

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